Alright Bungie...before I pitch this idea, please know that we here at Short Pause have thoroughly enjoyed our time with Destiny since its launch. I've played many a strike mission with friends, and they've yet to get old. I played through the campaign, and despite the weak narrative, I'm totally enthralled by the world you've created; I see the potential for deeper, more fleshed out narratives down the line. I have every intention of playing Destiny over the months and years ahead, provided the content is there to keep me, and many other guardians, grinding away. OK, now that I've got all of the pleasantries out of the way, onto my real reasoning for this post!
Yesterday morning, I rushed to log into Destiny because Xur was set to arrive, as always, for his typical brand of weekend vending. I was really hoping that I'd be able to upgrade my exotic fusion rifle, Plan C, so that I could lay waste to enemies this weekend during my first attempt at the Vault of Glass Raid. Granted, I wasn't sure how to upgrade my weapon, other than I needed to have 7000 glimmer AND an exotic shard. I was just assuming that everyone would be able to upgrade their stuff with ease (We all know what happens when we ASS-U-ME). So I found Xur, and when I talked to him, the first thing I noticed on the top row were the Exotic Shard (costing 7 strange coins) and the Exotic Engram (23 motes of light) he had available for purchase. Since I needed the Exotic Shard, I immediately spent the 7 coins required to pick that up. I then thought, "what the hell," and spent a majority of my motes of light on the exotic engram as well. (In hindsight, I can see how the saying, "A fool and his money are soon parted" is appropriate now.) Once I did that, I realized there were no prompts or options to upgrade my Plan C. Then it occurred to me; the reason I couldn't upgrade my beastly fusion rifle was because it wasn't one of the 10 items that Xur brought with him this weekend! Immediately, the humiliation began to sink in. I had just spent 7 strange coins on a Exotic Shard that I didn't need right now. However, there was still a glimmer of hope (pun-intended) — the exotic engram! I figured, maybe I could still end up with a totally piece of armor. Hell, I desperately needed a legendary or exotic helmet to replace the rare one I've been sporting for months. So, off to the Cryptarch I went. What could possibly go wrong?
There was a long line of Guardians in front of the Cryptarch, and I imagine everyone was opening their exotic engrams like kids on Christmas morning! I engaged the Cryptarch, and handed over my exotic engram, hoping for the absolute best. I nearly jumped out of my seat when — lo and behold — the Cryptarch had answered my prayers. There it was, an exotic helmet! Finally, I could get rid of the last piece of rare gear in my armory, fitting myself from head to toe with legendary armor and increase my light! And then I scrolled over to check out my new helmet and all of its beefy stats. That's when I realized my day had gotten much, much worse. That son of a bitch had just given me an exotic helmet for a Titan Class Guardian. Here’s the problem: I'm a fucking Hunter Class Guardian, you asshole! I sat there in a motionless state, jaw on the floor, and filled with a mixture of rage and confusion. That’s when I realized something — something that many of you have mentioned on Twitter and other various social media outlets. The Cryptarch and Xur are the biggest trolls on the planet. (Yes, they’re even bigger trolls than Square Enix!) Oh, and to get one final jab in, when I dismantled the totally kick-ass exotic helmet that I couldn't use, what did I get for it? That's right, an Exotic Shard. That's same item I blew 7 strange coins on 10 minutes earlier.
The joke was complete. I was the punchline, and the Cryptarch and Xur had once again fucked up my entire day! I'm sure you're laughing at this, and now that I've had time to think about it all, I am laughing too. But now that I've set up my pitch to Bungie with some backstory, here’s my suggestion for some new DLC that would undoubtedly sell! It would be one or two story missions that set up the final raid mission, similar to how The Dark Below is set up, but there would be a whole new set of weapons for you to add to your arsenal once you complete the mission. Now, it's safe to assume (or is it? What did we learn earlier?) that The Cryptarch and Xur are friends of the Guardians. They are constantly supplying them with gear and weapons to help take the fight to the Darkness and other enemies throughout the universe. The two campaign missions are given to you by the Speaker to investigate the weaponry used by the Hive and Vex.
In an effort to locate their source supplier, and cripple their resources, an all-out Raid is launched against their production facility. (Those Hallowed Knights have some beastly guns, and the Hobgoblins have some sweet shields don't they?) As you you make your way through the second story mission, you fight through hundreds of Hive to reach a new area on the Cosmodrome — one that's been previously closed off — where there is a meeting taking place between Hive leaders and their supplier. After fighting through a super crazy powerful Servitor (even more powerful than Sepiks Prime), there is a cut scene at the end showing a massive cargo ship taking off with the supplier. There, you see the Cryptarch and Xur both getting aboard, carrying suitcases full of laundered glimmer.
That would be unforgivable! Those two bastards have been supplying enemy forces with even more advanced weaponry that can kill you with just a few shots, compared to the pea-shooter Assault Rifle you've been ranking up! It's no wonder the Cryptarch has been giving us weak ass weapons and armor we already have this whole time; it's to keep the Guardians’ morale down! After confirming this with The Speaker, you unlock the newest Raid, and you’re tasked with breaking into a massive weapons warehouse that is fortified by contracted Vex, Fallen, and Hive troops (so this must be where Xur hangs out Monday through Thursday!). You and five friends spend hours battling through this Raid, reaching a secret underground bunker/armory. Then, out comes the Cryptarch, riding atop a Spider Tank like his own personal steed. Of course, he wouldn't be alone. Xur appears, manning a ridiculously powerful Vex Gate Lord, and you have to fight them both at the same time. Upon thwarting two of the most despised merchants featured in Destiny, your reward would be that you’ll be able to choose 2 or 3 weapons from the armory to add to your inventory before blowing the warehouse to pieces with a small, tactical nuclear device. Now, obviously, they’d no longer exist in The Tower — which is fine by me. Eris would take over as the main weapons supplier, decrypting engrams, and upgrading weapons with exotic shards.
That would be amazing, right? I would play that Raid over and over and over again if it meant I'd get to kill the Cryptarch and Xur. Yes, I've put entirely too much thought into this, but that's what happens when you get trolled one too many times! Sure, the whole concept may be a bit light in terms of plot, but that means it should fit right in with the rest of the narrative featured throughout Destiny! Come on Bungie, give us a chance to get revenge against these two cruel merchants who consistently make our lives miserable Have you been on the wrong end of a bad deal with either the Cryptarch or Xur, or have you had nothing but good fortune dealing with them? Let us know in the comments below if you'd enjoy the opportunity to end the trolling of the Cryptarch and Xur, permanently!